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This page is dedicated to the most important person in my life: my mother.
I miss her so much. I just want this to be a collection of thoughts
of things she said and did. She passed away on January 21st, 2004. She was
suffering from ovarian cancer.
I realise how much I have changed since I was a kid. I guess everybody changes. People just accept the circumstances and just live with it. I guess thats what happened to me, so I just accepted the circumstances. There was a time when I could not see my mother's hair turning white, and then there was a time when I could not see my mother's hair falling because of chemo-therapy, and so on. I guess its a part of life. But I really do not understand why she had to suffer so much, and I think very few people in this world could actually tolerate the pain that she did. When she would be in pain, she would not complain she would just lie down quitely on the bed. And then when the pain would subside, she would be up on her feet, and the people around her would not have the slightest idea about what happened, because she never sought sympathy, she never complained, she kept smiling and she gave us everything that we wanted. |
| My aunt, Kakoli Mitra, who spent a lot of time with my mother composed this poem which very nicely describes my mother
in her last days... | ||
She smiled And said- How do I look? Very elegant; Erudite! She laughed again, Clutching her sides, Smiling to hide the pain. The wig- She arranges On the hairless scalp; Symbol Of the illness She faces every day. Chemo ravaged body, Swollen- With anemia; Deceptive, Only the eyes Tired and sunken, Reveal the truth Camouflaged by her courage - No, its too black, It doesn't go with these lines on my face. Your face is still lovely, She smiles again - Interrupted by a twinge - Is it the pain? Yes, but it will be alright, Now, tell me? What will they think? |
Does it matter? Your body wasted away by chemicals Running through each cell, Racing against time; To attack - The growing malignancy; Failing, Pain wrecking every pore; All hidden behind Morphine patches. Yet, You smile, Your hands arrange the gifts, Turning the wheel and loom Of your family- Spinning for them, Weaving patterns of their lives; And still ask- What will they think? Does it matter? I thought some traditions did not matter - No, they don't. But, I have to do this, For my daughters, For their lives, For the unforgiving society - They have to endure for the rest of their lives; Unlike me. I don't want to let them down. |
Did your God let you down? Those Saturday fasts? No! The pain? The years you won't see? No! Did you ever ask why? No - I have the strength To endure; This disease Will not defeat me - Yet. For their sake - They will not be shortchanged; I have to finish this pattern I have started Of their lives, Rest they will do themselves. Are you ever scared? Of death? Maybe when the time comes I will be; For now, Let's arrange these gifts. The wedding is tomorrow - I have to finish my portion; I will ask for - More morphine patches; She smiles; The pain, The fear Even death will come after that, I know, not before. |
| Meet my mother |
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My mother was a very enterprising person. In Lucknow, she would arrange
for little picnics in our backyard where all the kids in our locality
would come and get to eat the coolest and most delicious goodies. She knew
that kids like food which not only tastes good but also looks good. So
for our birthdays, the cakes always used to be fancy and so very delicious.
I bet all the kids used to envy us.
My mother had studied child pscycology and had been a member of a social
welfare institute. She had the gift of dealing with delinquent kids.
And ofcourse she was amazing with other kids which is why she was
the favourite aunt of all the kids in our locality.
My mother's enthusiasm to try out new things made her an excellent cook and also a person who knew how to drive a stick-shift car, and a two-wheeler. Not many people can boast of having driven successfuly on busy Indian streets, not even my father, and she did it. If she was determined to do something she would do it. She had lots of hobbies. She was an avid reader and she loved music. Since she did not get the oppurtunity to learn music, she encouraged us to do so. Thanks to her encouragement (which then I had thought of as compulsion), today I can sing to myself some songs which I think would definitely not annoy people. My sister ofcourse is a naturally talented singer. Books were her very dear to her and if there were any book fairs in our city, we were certain to visit them. She has a huge collection of books and I am going to make sure that it is taken care of. She also liked handicraft and made a lot of bedcovers and sofacovers. I remember at one time she decided to make stuffed toys and she actually made a nice monkey for my sister before she was leaving for college. My mother's warm nature made her popular not only among children but also among adults. If anybody had a problem, child or adult, they would take relief in the thought "Anju will know what to do". She just knew what to do. |
| My relationship with my mother |
| It is hard to describe it really. She was my friend, my philospher and my guide.
Everytime I needed her she would be there in exactly the way I wanted. She
never once let me or my sister feel that we had hardships in the family. And there were loads of instances when I could have done without those expensive
clothes and music CDs. My father would raise an eyebrow (which is why he never
came with us for shopping ;)) but my mother not once refused anything to me me. There were
times when I would look greedily at branded clothes but not say that I
wanted them, but she would just know and give me a "Its ok.. lets get it" look.
For my bachelors I left Calcutta, my hometown and went to Pune. So I would
come during semester breaks. She and my father would be at the railway
station with a box of chocolate cake or sweets that I missed when I was in Pune.
Since I am a coffee and chocolate lover, the refrigerator would be
stacked with these things before I stepped my foot into the house. It was
like a getting a royal treatment because you were away from your mother's
loving arms for so long. And ofcourse the obvious question would be "what
would you like to eat today, tomorrow and in the next week". She wanted
to make sure that I get all my favourite dishes in the time that I spend
with her. She would run to the kitchen starting to prepare all the meals
and I would trot behind describing all the events that happened in the
last few months, crack jokes and wait for her to laugh, and complain
that she was paying attention to me and was too busy stirring the fish curry!!
There was a time when I came to visit her and I really did not have a list of things
that I wanted to eat.. and she was disappointed telling me, "you don't
tell me what you want. I don't know what I should make for you."
She was my chocolate and coffee partner, meaning she and I would definitely have
to eat sweets after dinner. And this was the reason why the refirgerator
would be stacked up with these little goodies. And coffee was not her
regular drink, she was a tea person. She would however look forward
to having coffee with me that I would make.
The other thing that I really enjoyed doing with my mother was waking up and cuddling on her side on the mornings. My father knew this amply well and so on sundays he would wake me up early and say "go sleep next to your mother, she is waiting".. and boy I would jump and race to my mother's warm bedside. There were competitions with me and my sister as to who should get her side, and ofcouse since I am the younger one (hehe) I pretty much got it. It was eventually resolved my making my mother shift to the middle of the bed and then both me and my sis got her two sides. |