Cartoon Lust
1 Some history
Now this is nothing new or strange in the world of cartooning, throughout the years, many a young man's fancy has been tickled by the womanly wiles of Wilma Flintstone and the boiling sexpot that is Betty `Devil In A Blue Dress' Rubble. After all, who wouldn't be attracted to a fiery redhead with a 22-inch waist and a bone in her hair? [Han56 , Bar58] Then there was George Jetson's oldest child, Judy Jetson. Sure she looked all innocent with the blonde pony tail bobbing up and down as she ran, but one knew...he just knew that when she took off at night in George's little space car to rendezvous with some lucky date, that little vixen was looking for a bit of action. After all, she was a well educated woman of the 24th century, and sexual liberation must have come around by then....
1.1 To all the 'toons I've loved before
The list is almost too long to mention, but a few other notables are: Scooby-Doo's Daphne and her pink stockings...how often did you wish you were Fred, heading off "In search of clues" with her, in a manner that always ended with the two of you trapped and forced to snuggle in some dark dungeon. Hold hertight Freddy-boy, she's really "scared", if you know what I mean. There were tough women, like the pink warrior from Battle Of The Planets, and the doe- eyed Nova from Star Blazers. There are lithesome co-eds like Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy{1} from Spider Man. And there were also girls that you knew were just dirty sluts, ready to do your bidding, like the grown up Pebbles. Well, I would like to add two new contenders to the list, the aforementioned Daria and Jane.
2 Love MTV Style
I would like to stress here that my current attraction to Daria is not a purely physical thing. While I would most certainly like to discover what lies beneath that bulky army jacket, and perhaps one day see her clothed only in those heavy, clunky boots of hers, it was truly her mind that first drew me in. Smart, witty, and cynical, Daria embodies what is, for me, the mind of a perfect woman. I can see the two of us, sitting in some trendy bar, drinking bourbon and coffee, and making fun of everyone around us. The two of us are thoroughly disgusted by humanity, and we revel in the denigration that we heap upon them like gobs of mouldering cantaloupe flesh. A few hours (and a few bourbons) later, we retire beck to her parents house. Juiced up from drink and the excitement of so many barbed remarks, she can barely control her passion and we make love like animals on the coffee table in the living room (she always says the risk of being caught by her parents only adds to the already immense heat){2}. Lying back afterwards, stroking her wonderfully drawn hair, we laugh and try to imagine what the sexual escapades of Kevin and Brittany must be like: Brittany:
Kevin, you know I want you, but you keep on messing up
my
hair.
Kevin: Sorry
babe.
Now, if Daria was the only temptation presented to me, I don't believe the relationship would go much beyond the one I had a few years back with Natasha of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show [Neu97], but she isn't. There is, in addition to the smoldering sensuality of Daria, the lovely visage and viperous tongue of Daria's best (only) friend Jane. What can be said about Jane, a slender goddess with a tight, sexy hair style and coal black eyes that can pierce your heart faster than a seven-inch stiletto heel, other than "Wow!" Best summed up in the words of The Heads on their latest album, Jane is a `Punk Lolita'.
She has the same mindset of Daria, tamed a bit -perhaps- by her neo-hippie upbringing, only her mind is wrapped in a body so delicious, you'd be begging to skip dinner and get straight to her dessert. On top of the looks and the brains, Jane and Daria do everything together. A trait, I would be willing to gamble, that extends well into the bedroom. A trait that I admire...a lot.
2.1 The good, the bad, and the ugly
I can see it in my mind's eye, every night as I hover between waking and sleep: pale white skin and smooth yellow skin intertwined, pressed together, glistening in the cold, blue light of the TV screen. Pearl white teeth flashing from behind two set of lips: one drawn soft and pink, the other red - deep, dark, and lustrous. And as I lie back, swimming in the visions of Jane and Daria, I weep a silent tear, a tear of bitterness and frustration. For as long as I am flesh and blood, and they are naught but pigment on acetate, then our love can never be. And even if it could, would society accept our love? A grown man working towards his Ph.D. sharing moments of love, passion, and bliss with two animated teenagers? I know the people would stare, "Does she look...drawn...to you?" they would whisper behind our backs. And even if all worked out in life as it did in fairy tales, if the three of us were to lock our lives in the bonds of matrimonial joy, to become man and cartoon wife and other cartoon wife, it is highly unlikely that any state in the nation would recognize our marriage.And so, I am forced to carry on with this dreary existence, patiently waiting until Monday night at 10:30 when I can carry out my secret rendezvous with the women I love. At least until the nation and world I live in can shed their bonds of ignorance and wake up to realize that man can, and should, lie down with the drawings around him if their love - like ours - is true.
That's all for now, the Flintstones is on, and I think this is the one where Betty and Wilma go to the beach...hubba, hubba!
{1} So she's dead - she was a real hottie before her neck
snapped
{2} Not to mention that fantasy she has of her sister Quinn
walking in
on us while were in
the middle of ``the act''
[Han56] Fred Hanna. Cartoon Characters - Male and Female drawing Styles. Addison-Wesley Co., Inc., Reading, Ma. 1956
[Bar58] Frank Barbara. Minnie Mouse Ain't Sexy - A Study
of Female
Cartoon Characters. Wharton Press, NYC, NY. 1958
[Neu97] William D. Neumann. The Spy Who Loved Me - My Forbidden Romance With Natasha Badenov. UNM Press, Albuquerque, NM.